When Did the ‘Meth’ Look Become Fashionable???

I’ve never kept up with what’s fashionable and what’s not. Not my thing. Unless it’s athletic shoes and hoodies. Then you might get my attention for a short time.

But today I was walking past the magazine rack, and WHAM!!! I run straight into this cover for the March edition of Porter magazine. And this chick is looking straight at me. I was like whoaaaaa….

I have no idea who this poor girl is. I tried looking for credits in this magazine, but it was all ads. I know, big surprise. Then I stared at her for a moment. And thought to myself, ‘Gee, you look like a textbook shoplifter.’

And the typeface directly under her, ‘The New Seduction.’ WTF??? Are they referring to this poor girl? This girl isn’t seductive. This girl needs a cheeseburger. Desperately.

A nap and a shower would probably work wonders, too. She just looks terrible. And she’s on the cover of a major fashion magazine. At least I think it’s major. I’ve never heard of it.

April's cover. Nah...I'm just yanking your chain...or am I???
April’s cover. Nah…I’m just yanking your chain…or am I???

Porter. All that comes to mind is a porterhouse steak. Which sounds delicious. And this poor thing could use a bite or two. I don’t get it.

Now check out this side by side.

Which cover do you think is more fashionable???
Which cover do you think is more fashionable???

Vogue with Adele?? That’s my choice. That’s a real woman. And she looks healthy. Not like you would get a nasty STD or bugs. Real woman have curves. All the better to snuggle with. Just sayin’.

Check out this real woman rockin' the cover...
Check out this real woman rockin’ the cover…

Take this cover with Christina Hendricks. Not only does she look like she’s eaten this week, she’s beautiful. And has an awesome name, too.

I bet our girl on Porter is beautiful, also. The magazine didn’t give her a fair shake. Whoever told them this look is attractive needs to be looking for a new job. And sweetheart, whoever you are, get a new agent.    k

 

 

I Could Care Less If You Wanna Smoke Weed

I honestly could give a rats ass if you want to smoke weed. If you’re a legal adult, and you’re chillin’ in your own home, toke away. It’s none of my business. Period.

I’m not going to get into a debate over the legalization of marijuana. Both sides have many valid points. But this is a blog post, so it’s too complicated a subject to address in approximately 400 words.

I personally don’t like marijuana. The shit makes me hungry and sleepy. I have absolutely no need for a substance that makes me hungrier than I already am. I can sit down and eat a double decker PBJ with potato chips and M&M’s without the need to get baked first. I guess I’m just blessed that way. I also sleep way more than I should (‘cuz it’s awesome), so I don’t need any assistance there, either.

Kris after smoking weed. Pretty damn attractive, don't ya think???
Kris after smoking weed. Pretty damn attractive, don’t ya think???

Ok, that’s not really me, but you get the idea.

The problem I’m having concerns my neighbors. Kids in their early to mid twenties. We say hi when we run into each other. They seem to be nice enough.

They also like to get high. Especially on the weekends.

So why does this concern me, you ask??? As I said, it’s your home and what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business.

But they smoke it outside. On their patio. And it blows over to my patio. This is the problem. Sometimes it’s so bad, I have to resist the urge to stop, drop, and roll.

Incoming smoke...just like a Stephen King novel!!
Incoming smoke…just like a Stephen King novel!!

Ok, it’s not really that bad, but you get the idea.

I explained earlier, I have no need to get high. I’m fat and lazy enough as it is. Thanks for sharing, but I really would prefer to pass.

But my main problem with this is, drumroll please!!!… I hate the way the shit smells. It stinks. Like ass. And now your weed smoking just became my business.

So the equation reads like this: Don’t expose me to your weed and it’s by products = I could care less. Expose me to it = Now we have a problem. Study the material, because there will be a test tomorrow. If your not too stoned, that is.   k

 

Southern: A Whole New Language

Being a displaced Yankee, I’m being forced to learn an entire new language that I fondly refer to as Southern. Every demographic has their own vernacular, but the one with the most differences seems to be the South vs. North.

I’ve been in Florida about six months now, and I find myself slipping back and forth between “You all” and “Y’all”. At times I’m sure it sounds like some distorted mix of urban English and Pig Latin. But when in Rome….

I’ve picked out the top 5 Southern words which I seem to have problems converting to, in no order in particular.

#5. Soda or Coke vs. Pop.

Here's a nice little visual for you.
Here’s a nice little visual for you.

If it’s not being referred to as Coke, the next choice here is soda. I have no clue what Kiel is, though. Might have to look into this strange animal…

#4. Buggy vs. Cart

Don't let the map fool you, it's still overwhelmingly a buggy in Florida.
Don’t let the map fool you, it’s still overwhelmingly a buggy in Florida.

I seem to have the biggest problem with this one due to my job. Unfortunately I encounter a massive amount of carts, I mean buggies, every day.

#3. Pocketbook vs. Purse

The southern version of a purse.
The southern version of a purse.

I don’t have too big of a problem concerning this one. You wouldn’t catch me carrying either.

#2. Clicker vs Remote

A universal 'clicker'.
A universal ‘clicker’.
A southern 'clicker', a northern 'remote'.
A southern ‘clicker’, a northern ‘remote’.

In my experience, using the garage door opener, i.e. ‘clicker’, to change the channel will result in failure.

#5. Sweeper vs. Vacuum

A southern 'sweeper', a northern 'vacuum'.
A southern ‘sweeper’, a northern ‘vacuum’.
This bad boy is a 'sweeper' in the north. Do not use it on indoor carpet...
This bad boy is a ‘sweeper’ in the north. Do not use it on indoor carpet…

I’m sure there are many more. And I’m sure the longer I live in Florida, the more I will learn and adopt.

I just hope I don’t start sounding like a redneck. That’s where I have to draw the line. If I do, I hope that one of my peeps from the north set’s me straight. Got to stay true to my roots, y’all.     k

What On Earth Do You Have Hiding Under That Hat?

I like hats. I wear them all the time. Day in, and day out. I have a huge assortment of ball caps in every color and style imaginable.

One advantage of throwing on a cap, is you don’t have to worry about what your hair looks like. Pop one on and it’s off to Walmart. Or wherever. I’ve even been known to throw on a stocking cap if it’s a bit nippy outside.

But what in the hell is the deal with these hats???

You could knit a sweater with all the yarn in this hat.
You could knit a sweater with all the yarn in this hat.

There are a ton of guys who wear these down here. In Florida. Where it’s not cold.

But this is irrelevant. The thing that gets me, is these hats are filled to the brim with what I can only assume is hair.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…

I have yet to see someone sporting one of these hats that looks even remotely clean. So I’m not a betting gal, but if I was, I would lay odds that the shit tucked up under that hat is pretty nasty. Shove a bug bomb in that sucker.

I also can’t help but get the mental picture of the Cat in the Hat. Pry that bad boy off and out pops Thing 1 and Thing 2.

SURPRISE!!!!
SURPRISE!!!!

That would be pretty badass, though.  Having little creatures living under your hat (Not bugs, though)……sorry, kinda got off track there. Just imagining how many people I could freak out, like at the bank. Good times…;)

But these dudes are definitely not The Cat in the Hat. Nowhere close. Probably shouldn’t be left alone with children, either. I don’t care if they are bored and it’s raining…

And another thing. It looks stupid. Like you have a big ass alien head.

Yes!!! Your head looks like Roger!!!
Yes!!! Your head looks like Roger!!!

Except Roger has a better chance of finding a girlfriend than you do. Because he bathes. And would wash and comb his hair. If he had any.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go grab a shower. Just the thought of the roach motel hiding under some of those caps makes my skin crawl.    k

 

 

 

How Many Oreo Flavors Does Society Need ???

I never paid attention to how any different flavors and types of Oreos there are. Just never thought much about it, I guess. But as I looked at the four foot section devoted to Americas Favorite Cookie, it appears there is an Oreo for all occasions.

Behold!!! Oreos!!!
Behold!!! Oreos!!!

I am a huge fan of anything labeled carbohydrate, calorie, sugar…the list goes on. And Lord knows I’m just a fat kid and the more Oreos the better, but…

Watermelon Oreos??? Someone was baked in the creative department the day they came up with that one. Hell, they probably all were. Even a pregnant woman would likely draw the line at this one. Marshmallow Crispy??? Why??? Is that even a flavor???

So I did me a little research and came up with a list of all the various assortments of Oreo flavors. These are listed in no particular order, but we all know that Classic Oreo is the best, hands down.

  1. Classic Oreo. Da Bomb.
  2. Lemon Oreos
  3. Double Stuff
  4. Double Stuff Heads or Tails
  5. Peanut Butter Oreos
  6. Cool Mint Oreos (Sounds like mouthwash…)
  7. Chocolate Cream Oreos
  8. Golden Oreos
  9. Marshmallow Crispy Oreos
  10. Golden Birthday Cake Oreos (A cookie that is birthday cake flavored…I’m lost. Just eat cake.)
  11. Cookie Dough Oreos (Capitalizing on the ‘Let’s make everything taste like cookie dough phase. Just give me a tube of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip and I’m good. Eat that sucker like a banana.)
  12. Chocolate Birthday Cake Oreos. See number 10.
  13. Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos.
  14. Rainbow Shur-bert Oreos. Not a typo.
  15. Creamsicle Oreos.

Of course we have the many holiday flavors. And don’t forget the Oreos that just have the cream filling dyed and are marketed seasonal. Oh, and don’t forget the many varieties of Fudge Covered Oreos. And the different shaped Oreos. Or the Cakesters.

Ok, marketing team, slow it down a bit. One shouldn’t be overwhelmed when purchasing a chocolate wafer with sweet cream filling. It’s not like we’re buying a Range Rover or something. I don’t want to contemplate my cookie purchase, so could ya help a gal out and tone it down a bit??? Thanks!!!     k

.

 

Finally!!! Leo Nabs the Ultimate Prize, Oscar!!!

 

The past week or so everyone was debating on whether Leonardo DiCaprio would finally get his Oscar after failing to bring home gold on his previous three attempts. He was a favorite going in, so I don’t believe anyone was surprised when his named was called.

I have yet to see ‘The Revenant.’ I plan on it though, not because of all the Oscar buzz. The story is what interests me. It’s part of our history, and I find it fascinating.

I personally feel Leo is a fantastic actor. He’s also easy on the eyes, which is an added benefit. But Leo should of received an Oscar the first time he was nominated in 1994 for Best Supporting Actor. Which brings us to one of my favorite movies, ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?’

Leo and Johnny Depp. What's not to love???
Leo and Johnny Depp. What’s not to love???

If you like quirky dramas, this film is a gem. It’s a film about choices and playing the hand that life dealt you. It’s about coping and living. Growing up in small town rural America. Gilbert Grape is dealing with being the provider for his family, and growing up and becoming his own man.

The film in itself is wonderfully done. The story line is well written, the message is timeless. There are no jaw dropping special effects, no blood and guts. Even if this type of movie doesn’t appeal to you, you still need to check it out.

You see, Leonardo DiCaprio pulls off a mind blowing performance in this film as Gilberts mentally challenged brother, Arnie. You can’t even describe how good he is in this movie. And he was so young. Amazing.

He looks 12!!  Still shoulda got the Oscar. Just sayin'.
He looks 12!! Still shoulda got the Oscar. Just sayin’.

I’m not going to tell you anymore. If you haven’t seen it yet, just pull it up on Netflix. Hell, even if you have seen it, watch it again. With all the remakes and ‘Twilights’ out there, it’s good to just sit and watch a well done original movie.

Kudos Mr. DiCaprio. Well done and long overdue.

On a scale of one to five,  I give ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?’ a 4 3/4.  k

7 Homeless Signs That I Find Entertaining

Before you get your panties all tied in a knot, I don’t think homelessness is funny. That being said, I have seen plenty of homeless people, and I have found some of their signs quite humorous. See how that works??? Homelessness = not funny. Homeless signs= can be funny.

This being said, here are what I feel are the top 7 homeless signs at the time of this post.

#7

Um, ouch????
Um, ouch????

#6

You poor, poor man!!!
You poor, poor man!!! Homeless and stuck with Beiber fever!!!

#5

Gotta respect that. Straight and to the point.
Gotta respect that. Straight and to the point.

#4

United Negro Pizza Fund...well I thought it was clever...
United Negro Pizza Fund…well I thought it was clever…

#3

Whoa...now that would suck ass
Whoa…now that would suck ass.

#2

Porn star....ummm...no.
Porn star….ummm…no.

And the grand prize winner is…………………

#1

Now that's what I call creative!!!
Now that’s what I call creative!!! And creepy.

Everyone have a great weekend!!! And no death threats, please.      k

 

Gee Kris, What Exactly is a Wigger???

What exactly is a ‘wigger’??? I’m so glad you asked.

For those of you still unfamiliar with the term, it’s exactly what it looks like. But here’s the definition from Wikipedia for those who have trouble putting two and two together.

Wigger (Common spelling ‘wigga’) is a slang term for a white person who emulates mannerisms, language, and fashion associated with African American culture. The term is a combination of white and nigger.

All hail Kevin Federline, the 'Original' wigger!!! Thanks, bro!!!
All hail Kevin Federline, the ‘Original’ wigger!!! Thanks, bro!!!

And Florida is crawling with them. They’re everywhere. Just like cockroaches.

There’s your Stage 1, or as I fondly call them, the thug-let wigger. Just a kid, parents are lower to middle class. A ‘wannabe’. Basically just a nuisance.

Just a stupid little teenager who doesn't know any better.
Just a stupid little teenager who doesn’t know any better.

Unfortunately many do not out grow this stage and become stage 2 wiggers. These idiots are most likely in juvie, if still in school at all. Many find out in this stage that they’re going to be a ‘baby daddy’ for the first time.

I don't need a damn job!!! I got my music, bae!!!
I don’t need a damn job!!! I got my music, bae!!!

At this stage, there are still some tools out there that don’t quite understand that living in the back bedroom of your baby mammas parents double wide ( That’s a mouthful!!!) is not all it’s cracked up to be. These morons keep chasin’ the dream that they’re badass and gonna be famous, while living off everyone else’s dime.

If they don’t wake up at this point, they turn into….

Stage 3 wiggers. These are your wiggers in their twenties and thirties. They usually have an entire basketball team of dependents, all with different mothers.

Wigger baby mammas, or ho's, or whatever you want to call them.
Wigger baby mammas, or ho’s, or whatever you want to call them.
Yo, dog!!! How's that album that you've been working on for the last 15 years goin'???
Yo, dog!!! How’s that album that you’ve been working on for the last 15 years goin’???

This stage is the scariest, because it easily segues into white trash loser tweeker.  Also, they’ve been so dependent on everyone else, there is little hope for them to ever provide for themselves in the wild.

We know very little about the Stage 4 wigger. As this is a fairly recent phenomenon, there is virtually no credible data available at this time. As soon as some comes in, I will let you know.

And that boys and girls is what a wigger is. There will be a test on Monday.   k

 

 

 

What ever happened to… Zima???

What did become of Zima, that lovely, lightly carbonated beverage of the ’90’s???

Before I answer that question, let me explain to the few who are unfamiliar with this clearmalt. Just what it is exactly, and why was it for a short time so popular.

Zima was introduced to the public by Coors Brewing Company in 1993.  It was 4.7-5.4% alcohol by volume and was categorized under the popular term of the day, ‘alcopop.” I prefer ‘bitch beer’ myself.

Ahhh...the beloved Zima!!!
Ahhh…the beloved Zima!!!

This lemon-lime beverage was created during the ‘clear craze’ of the nineties. Remember Crystal Pepsi and Tab Clear??? They were obviously equally successful. Yummo. It was also created to compete with the increasingly popular wine cooler, such as Bartles and Jaymes.

'Thank you for your support.'
‘Thank you for your support.’

Zima had a tough time appealing to the male crowd, despite a 1995 marketing campaign for Zima Gold which contained a ‘hint’ of bourbon. The amber colored beverage was a failure, and soon disappeared from shelves.

'nuff zaid.
’nuff zaid.

Even with the rumors that Zima actually contained no alcohol and that it would fail to show up on a breathalyzer test, it continued to decrease in popularity. It was consistently parodied on ‘Late Night with David Letterman’ and could never escape the stigma of being considered a ‘girly-man’ drink.

Then in 2000, Smirnoff introduced Smirnoff Ice, and Zima all but completely fell out of the limelight. Coors finally stopped distribution in the United States in October of 2008.

But all is not lost for Zima. Seems the Japanese love this beverage!

In Japan, real men drink Zima...I guess.
In Japan, real men drink Zima…I guess.

You can find it in the vast majority of bars in Tokyo. And the men drink it. And they’re not embarrassed. Why not ??? I’m not sure. They’re Japanese, and I do not understand the Japanese.

Unfortunately though, for all the Zima lovers still left in the States, you’re SOL. You can’t have it shipped from Japan, as it is illegal. I guess you’ll just have to suffer through a few bottles of Smirnoff Ice instead.

And that my friends, is what happened to Zima. The end.     k

 

 

 

Please Don’t Feed the Wildlife!!!

I got to see up close and personal one of the reasons you should feed the wildlife.

It was Sunday, and everyone knows that according to my religion, I must be out in the sun on Sundays. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t practice this. To me it’s a no brainer. Sun + day = Sunday. Can’t get any clearer than that.

So we get up early, load the jeep up with our gear and head to Fort Desoto. And it is a beautiful day, I might add.

We get out there and march our happy asses out to the south pier. There we set up camp. Yes, I said camp. Because when you go fishing with Leigh Ann you bring everything.

This was a different trip, but you get the idea.
This was a different trip, but you get the idea.

Now all over the Fort Desoto pier, there are signs that say don’t feed the wildlife. As a matter of fact, everywhere I’ve been to so far has signs that state clearly ‘Do Not Feed The Wildlife’. I totally get this and support it. It’s one of the worst things you can do to a wild creature.

Example #1: Pretty clear, is it not???
Example #1: Pretty clear, is it not???

The problem is, these idiots who think ‘Awwww, it’s ok if little Johnny does it this time. It won’t be that big of a deal. And look how cute he is!!!’

Wrong.

Yes, that is a pelican on the end of that gentlemen's fishing pole.
Yes, that is a pelican on the end of that gentlemen’s fishing pole.

You see, the birds have been eating the shrimp that Johnny and Susie have been tossing to them all day. You know, because it’s just so darn cute. So when a fisherman reels in his catch, the birds think it’s for them. And gets a lovely barbed hook imbedded in it’s beak.

The removal of the hook.
The removal of the hook.

Yeah. Real cute.

So how about you obey the signs. They’re there for a reason. And you and your family are not exempt from following them, no matter how cute you think your kids look.

And yes, just this one time can hurt. Ask this pelican. I’m sure he’d tell you if his beak wasn’t all ripped up.    k

(The bird was lucky. He was a bit sore, and I’m sure and not to thrilled. But he was basically unharmed. This time.)